Tuesday, May 11, 2004

15 Ways To Avoid A Southern Ass Whuppin'

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners & Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick yer ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick yer ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated & generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick yer ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet & flanked Meade at Gettysburg, instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain & complain about the carving, we'll kick yer ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money & get the hell out of here. Or we'll kick yer ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that yer a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - w/gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick yer ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, & you will get yer ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern dungholes like Detroit, Chicago & DC, & we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, & that's all that matters. Now, go away & leave us alone, or we'll kick yer ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty & polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick yer ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir & ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into yer ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, & we'll kick yer ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here & tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get yer ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, & you will go home in a pine box ... Minus yer ass.

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