Friday, May 21, 2004

Kansas breaks off, falls into the Ocean

"How in the world THAT happened ... it's beyond me" geologist Rick Swanson told CNN reporters. "One minute Kansas is over there below Nebraska, next minute it's out there floating around in the middle of the sea.

President Bush has yet to declare the state a disaster area since technically it is no longer a state. Just a great big hole in the ground where a state used to be. Residents of Colorado, Utah, Nevada and California were apparently sleeping when the state of Kansas somehow rolled, tumbled, danced across 4 consecutive other states to make its way 1800 miles to the Pacific Ocean.

"It's just floating around out there", Swanson explained. "Somehow the terrigenous strata comprising Kansas's hydraulic gradient, or foundation as laymen put it, is for the moment enabling the state to float like an ocean liner. How long it will stay afloat is unknown. Hopefully they have more lifeboats than the Titanic had. "

Now 27 nautical miles southwest of Los Angeles, Kansas, if it maintains its present course, is expected to make landfall at Honolulu Hawaii sometime in December. 2006.

Passengers on board the ill-fated state are making the most of their bittersweet situation ... some saddened that they had to say goodbye the country that they loved while others are just thrilled to be on a cruise.

"I'm going to do a little salmon fishing", one Kansas resident told reporters via phone. "The waters are a little choppy today this side of the state. We might head on over ‘round Topeka way and see how they're biting there."

Kansas Governor, Kay Barnes, assured her people that if worse came to worse and the state started to take on water that women and children would be pushed aside like old ladies at a Target sale, just like in that Titanic movie, every life form for its self Governor signed into law today. "Every life form for its self."

One upbeat Kansas City disk jockey of KRLD FM attempting to liven up the morning drive to work jokingly told listeners on Good Morning Topeka,

"Kansas is not in Kansas anymore Toto".

KRLD FM is now sleeping with the fishes. Apparently some Kansas residents are not pleased with their situation as the state drifts further and further from the mainland, from civilization itself into the void. Tempers flare easily, bullets fly freely especially on the edges of the state where tides routinely reach up to 15 feet, flooding the streets of a once dry state that never even knew the meaning of the word tide. Former weather man of former KOLD FM before its splashy demise quipped late Monday,

"At least the tornados can't reach us out here".

(CNN) A category 4 tornado tore through the sea-borne city of Topeka Kansas late Tuesday killing 12 causing millions of dollars in damages. Kansas, as first reported on CNN early Monday, by some freak force of nature is now adrift in the middle of the Pacific ocean, lost, headed for God knows where and now faced with not only Tornadoes but Tropical Hurricanes as well as ..

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